Uncommon Legend

I meant to post this a while back, and I honestly forgot about it due to how crazy my semester ended. I’m better now, but I feel like this is something I should still share with others, so please, read the rest of this honest look inward.

I know it’s been so long since I’ve done this, and I don’t know where to begin, but here it goes. I’ve been upset with many things for the past few months, mainly myself. I ask so much of myself because I know I am capable, but I also feel the pressure of the outside world encroaching on me. I feel myself sometimes being pulled left, right, up, and down and ultimately, I end up torn. I want to be the best for everyone else, but I sometimes forget to be the best for myself. I’m a married man, minster by day and student by night, and honestly, I find myself at the wall.

The wall refers to our present troubles and worries, but the only way to the other side is through it. I’m not depressed, but I’m also not happy. I’m not sad, but I am unsatisfied and think I know why. I lose myself in achievement. Being two wing three on the enneagram test is excellent for those I love and serve but a significant burden to me. I am often so concerned with everyone’s well-being that I forget my own. Now don’t get me wrong, I still have fun, and I take care of myself, or I at least attempt to. However, if I am not careful, I’m more concerned with doing enough for everyone else, and even taking a deep look at myself feels selfish.

As I was wrapping up my workday today, I found myself reading through old journal entries from a younger me. As I read them, I thought to myself, “What’s so different about this Albert from the present Albert.” Well, first off, the present is no longer a hopeless romantic! Second, I no longer wonder what my life’s calling is anymore. Finally, and most importantly. I don’t spend as much time focusing on myself. Partially because I know who I am now, the other is because I don’t have time to, or rather, I don’t make time to. I think it’s difficult for me to do so because I feel like I am being conceited. However, I know there is nothing wrong with routine maintenance.

Have you ever been there? No, we may not work in the same field, but I’m sure you’ve felt the strain of life, and all its demands feel the like they’re all on top of you and are asking even more of you! I find myself in such a season that demands a lot of me, and I feel like I am a weakling for even talking about it; I know I am not. But frankly, I know others feel the same way, and I could care less if someone does think I am weak.

Since the beginning of 2022, I’ve been through much life; some were better than others. The obvious was getting married, but still, it’s been a lot. Sadly, what I haven’t done is slow down, and I think it has come at a cost to my soul. I wish I could let myself slow down, but now I’ve set a pace that seems complicated to stay at. I wish I knew what was next on the horizon, but I don’t. I feel a little scared just looking forward, but I am not without hope.

I understand that I have been pouring my heart out over the last 500 or so words, but that’s so I can get it off my chest. What I’ve learned over the past 3 years is that grief enlarges the soul; I am more capable than the young man I mentioned in the journal entries earlier. Now, I have a supportive wife and friends that I can lean on. I know it’s only my anxiety talking, but I wanted to share this with others because we all have things that make life feel insurmountable, but I know God is good. As a minister, I often pray to God for others and forget to pray for myself, and I know that he’s been watching over me and placing people in my life that will do it for me, even when I can’t do it for myself. You know who you are, and I am thankful for you! Lastly, I want to end with this. It’s better to live full of serving until you’re empty than to take even though you’re full, and frankly, I’m empty, but through my emptiness, I am whole.